ER visit

uuuggghhhh...things haven't been great this week for our family. Of course Monday and Tuesday were spent in Boston with Serena, and today it was EJ's turn.
They have both been battling a cold since the day after Christmas. When I was in Boston with S, I called many times to check on E of course. The nurses said he was very fussy and didn't eat well. They figured it was the cold and maybe he missed mom and sister. Things didn't get better, and Tuesday night as I mentioned he screamed almost all night and vomited a few times. I was worried about how hydrated he was, but on Wednesday I had to work and Daddy and the nurse were here. He didn't eat well again, and that night was the same screaming in pain, not sleeping, and vomiting. This morning his diaper was dry. I called the pedi and said we needed to be seen. As I expected (and wanted) we were told to go to the ER. Of course when we got there he drank 3 1/2 ounces of Pedialyte, and appeared better. The Dr. in charge was doing his residency in the NICU while we were there last year. He knew me well since I basically lived there and always conversated with the docs, so as I walked in to the pediatric ER he said "Hi Stephanie." Wow we're too well known in the medical community.
Remembering the very sick little boy from the NICU who had real crappy lungs and almost died on a weekly basis, this Dr said he would probably keep us over night for observation! NOO I haven't slept in 4 days now! He then called our pulmonologist (the best EVER! We love him!) and he was less concerned. He said at baseline (which I had already said) Edwin is a quick breather and retracts a little. Ediwn's lungs sounded clear and he wasn't wheezy. His sats were 98 the entire time on 1/2 liter of O2 which isn't too much for him when he is sick. So the Dr. came back and said he felt better after talking to the pulmonologist and they took some blood, took a nasal swap to test for RSV and the flu, and gave him a chest x-ray.
Blood was fine, swabs fine, and the chest x-ray showed bacterial pneumonia in the upper right lobe.
In a way I was relieved. I have never seen EJ react this way and that's what I was so worried about and what caused me to want to go to the ER. He was clearly in pain, and now we know why and can do something for him...antibiotics for the next 10 days.
So I am assuming he had a cold, it settled in his lungs, bacteria grew, and here we are with pneumonia. My poor man.
SO his drinking slowly came back some tonight and he kept it down along with 3 ounces of vanilla custard (his favorite), and he is now settled and asleep...I hope it stays that way. His O2 is still at 1/2 liter and he is satting well. I know I could wean him, but I'm not going to so he doesn't have to work too hard.

So that was our day. I had a mini melt down while getting him ready to go to the pedi's office. I feel so out of control in terms of getting them to eat well while sick, which freaks me out because I stress about weight loss. I stress about their O2 needs going up and the damage these URIs have on their already scarred lungs.
I beat myself up and say if you could have carried them to term this wouldn't be happening. Your body failed, you're a failure.
I beat myself up more by saying you keep exposing them to germs and getting them sick.
I then do a little more beating and feel guilty for going to work and not being home to try and be in control of every thing that goes into their mouths.
It's so hard. I feel so out of control and that is hard for me. I know I have to work, and I have an amazing job with a great flexible schedule, and I love the kids I work with, but sometimes I wish I could be home and do the therapy with EJ and Serena, feed them lots and lots, and make sure everything is done my way. Don't get me wrong our 3 nurses are wonderful, but I think all parents can relate to the difficulty in relinquishing some control of their children, especially when they have needs.
After a minute or two of getting teary eyed and blaming and feeling sorry for myself, I picked myself up and did what I had to do. There is no amount of crying, feeling bad, or guilty that will ever change our reality. We have former 23 weekers, and I chose not to be like the "Dad" who commented on Lincoln's blog and "forget" I have preemies and not call them "preemies" (as if that would fix anything.) They ARE medically fragile, they DO have significant health issues, and it is stressful at times. But to us it's so worth it because S&E are so deeply loved.
So now we're home, trying to sleep, and preparing for Daddy's press conference to promote his fight tomorrow. It's a busy and exciting time in our lives, and in the midst of it all I really hope my little angels will get well soon!!!



p.s. I accidentally added some people to blog author and not blog reader...DUH! I fixed that (I think) but I accidentally deleted someone off the blog author and forgot who it was and didn't send them an invite to the reader...ugh. SO sorry about that and I hope whoever it was emails me. I feel guilty about going private and fear there were people I left out who read and didn't email me. So I will continue to try and reach out to everyone who hasn't emailed me already!
Thanks everyone for being a part of our blog!