It makes me angry because there is an agenda behind these words. Calling a 23-25 week preemie a fetus is an attempt to say "this fetus is not a baby, it's not an infant." And to me, this is a way to devalue and dehumanize the child.
This makes me very upset and I need to vent about it here.
My children were so premature, almost too premature to live...I realize that...I lived that reality. But they were, and always will be, my children! They were named, given birth certificates, social security cards, etc etc etc.
Even if they weren't, even if I lost them at 12 weeks. I lost my twins, I lost my children, I lost my babies. I didn't miscarry my fetuses. My 23 week fetuses didn't spend 122 days in the NICU. Serena Lynn Rodriguez and Edwin Kelly Rodriguez, Jr, children of Stephanie and Edwin, spent 122 days in the NICU.
In this latest instance, calling micro preemies fetuses was not even done in a medical sense or from a medical view point. In fact, here's what was said:
"I just read that a couple of weeks ago, the 5th of the Morrison sextuplets has died. There is no word being released on how the last fetus is doing."
The last of the Morrison's sextuplets is not a fetus! He is their last surviving son! He has value, he is their baby.
I'm sorry I'm ranting and probably don't make any sense. I am just hurt by this. S & E mean the world to me. Their birth was nothing I expected, it wasn't a happy joyous time. It was scary and upsetting. But that does not minimize the fact that they were and always will be our children, not our fetuses.
I wrote a response to the comment. I am hoping out of respect to people who frequent that blog they will stop calling micro preemies "fetuses." My attempt, my sincere request for them to stop doing this could very well be ignored. I hope not. I'm having a hard time accepting how people can be so against the lives of micro preemies. I see such joy in S & E's eyes, they bring us so much joy. I just can't see why others can't see they are our babies, our precious infants, our children, the loves of our lives.
Is anyone with me on this?
You weren't chubby full term babies. Your eyes were still fused shut. You couldn't breathe without assistance. You couldn't breastfeed or drink from a bottle right away. Regardless of all these things, you are our babies. You were our babies at 1 pound. When the rest of the world saw wires, IVs, and red shiny skin, we saw that Serena had Daddy's nose, and Edwin had Mommy's. We saw your tiny bodies fighting to stay alive. We promised to love you two with all of our hearts forever and always. You are our children, the absolute loves of our lives.
20 comments:
I agree with you totally. No one chooses to have preemies, it just happens and your right they are our children, they do get a birth certificate and social securtiy card, they do exsist. Although my twins were not micro preemies they were preemies non the less, born at 30 weeks and spending 48 days in the NICU. If the shoe where on the other foot and those who call them fetus's had a preemie they would understand.
the sad part about this is both women I have heard refer to preemies as fetuses have preemies. I don't get it.
Amazing post! Love it. I couldn't have said it better. I confronted a Dr. who called Lincoln a fetus, while I was getting wheeled in to my C-Section. How dare he, right? I'm trying to stay positive and you just gave me a speech about how he has a 25% chance of survival, and now you're going to call this life a fetus?! Is it that they don't think about it? Or are they just living what they believe? Either way, people MUST be conscious of how they say things, especially in regards to small babies. The word "fetus" has always disgusted me...I can't believe it's used, especially by the Mother of a preemie. Thank you for writing this.
Technically the fetal stage ends at birth - regardless of the gestation. It sounds like a case of people trying to appear smart, but showing their ignorance. My son just got up to a pound and a half and celerated by pulling out his ventilator tube twice in one night. That's not what a fetus does.
I tend to agree with Big Ali. In the womb, they are still fetuses. Out of the womb, they are infants and need to be referred to as such---even if they still resemble the pictures of fetuses. Even if they are not breathing on their own and utterly and totally devoid of body fat. The Morrison six were all infants, not fetuses, once they were delivered, and that is true of all of our kids. I think that the larger underlying issue (one I don't want to touch) is the question of abortion---is it better to call them fetuses when determining whether or not to resuscitate a 22 or 23 or even 24 weeker? I don't think it matters one iota what you call the life carried inside that is about to come out at that stage. That is an intimate and difficult decision and as someone who recently enough had to make it, my heart goes out to the parents who are on the brink of that decision regardless of the decision they make. It's not for anyone to judge whether we choose to undergo the ordeals associated with the journey of micropreemie parenthood or undergo the ordeals associated with not undertaking (at least an attempt at that) journey. Either way, people need to respect that these are our babies once they are born and that they matter to us.
Sorry for the rant. I'm having an emotional morning. And hopefully this doesn't initiate a discussion about abortion or resuscitation because I don't want to go there and I certainly don't want my cute twin friends' blogs used for that!
Big hugs to the now big kids!
Yeah, the whole improper use of the term fetus was brought up on the blog in which the discussion began, and I didn't even go into how the term was incorrect according to dictionary definitions, because that point had been brought up by someone else. But it is true, aside from the emotional side of things (which is where my focus was...how dare someone call the surviving baby a fetus), the term is incorrect. They are infants at birth, no longer fetuses.
Amen and AMEN. I had NICU nurses refer to Sydney as a fetus while we were in the NICU. That *really* made me angry...
-Sarah
http://sydney_lou_who.livejournal.com
I have to agree with you as well. I really don't know what else to say except for the fact that ANY baby that is born is just that....a baby.
Your madness is like my madness with people who worry about if their preemie is going to be disabled....so many people look down on disability and it hurts me because my amazing son is disabled. It doesn't change how much I love him or how much joy he brings to the lives around him.
I have also read a few blogs where the parents choose to discontinue treatment because their child or children had brain bleeds and would most likely be disabled. Sickening to me.
Anyways that gave me an idea for a post .....thanks for this great rant you did.
I totally agree. My children were not fetuses when they were born, they were BABIES. I get angry by that term used to refer to living babies, but I realize people are ignorant.
On a completely separate note, your photos remind me just how far S & E have come. They are truly blessed to have such a passionate and loving mother!
Well said Stephanie!
I couldn't agree with you more.
In a happy note Serena and Edwin are looking so so good!!!!
They ahve coem so far and I just love seeing them grow!!!
Stephanie,
I am with you. My 23w0d Isaac and Rachel are/were babies, my precious son and daughter. Even though Rachel went to heaven after 102 minutes, she was a baby, she had a birth certificate and a death certificate. She was the bravest little girl I know (well next to my friend's daughter Emily who fought for 5 months in NICU before going to heaven) because she fought against all odds and stayed inside me for 5 weeks without any water and saved her brother Isaac's life.
There were a lot of things I wasn't happy about having to go through my tough pregnancy and our NICU experience in Japan but I was so glad that they considered babies viable at 22 weeks here. Once I got past the 22 weeks, I had assurance that they will try their best to take care of my babies when they are born and I am soooooo glad they did.
Even if I had lost both of them at 18 weeks when my cervix opened and Rachel's water broke, they would have both been my babies.
Thank you so much for standing up for our precious babies!
Sonia
I was actually quite sad to see that PE didn't stand up for you. She wanted to keep the debate civil and yet no standing up for the obvious use of the word fetus to stir up anger and hurt feelings. For goodness sake, you were NOTHING but dignified in your comments and yet no real concession from the woman who insists on calling live babies fetuses. Whether or not the term is correct in her mind, if she *honestly* wanted an open dialogue between the two "sides" she would have conceded that the term is hurtful to more than one mom and stop using it.
BTW, your kiddos are looking beautiful!!!!!
The reason why I did not stop the comment was because it was used by someone in the medical field. As I wrote to Stephanie privately, the term "fetus" and "fetal infant" are commonly used by both docs and NICU nurses. I can still remember the first time I heard it being said about my daughter. She was still in the NICU and I flipped out. The nurse explained to me that docs forget to not use the term when parents are present. After years of being in the preemie world and after attending MANY medical conferences, I now no longer even notice when the term is used because it is used so often. When the term was used on my blog, it never registered to me as something that could be hurtful. After reading Stephanie's comment I remembered how I felt when I first heard it used. But, before I could even address it, the whole situation got out of control. And, to be honest, I will not ask medical professionals to censor their words on my blog, even though it may sting.
As far as not saving a child because he/she may have disabilities... I chose to save my daughter when my water broke at 23.0 weeks. Thankfully she wasn't born until 25.5 weeks. I too thought that it didn't matter what disability she may have in the future. Love fixes all right? I had enough love in my heart for my baby that I was sure it was all going to be ok. Only one problem... I never thought about how much pain SHE may be in. That's the hardest part of having a preemie, in my opinion. Watching your child experience pain (both mental and physical), day after day after day after day, is a living hell. Realizing that all of my love can't fix it, is even worse.
If I had to do it all over again, I would choose to save her again. But, it doesn't mean that I have to accept what is being done and not try to help future preemies and their families.
Stephanie, I respect you and your feelings. I can only hope for the same in return.
Thanks to everyone who participated in this discussion. I have been in contact with Stacy of the preemie experiment. She has been great about listening to my feelings. While I have to disagree that the commentor who used the term was doing so in a medical sense, (I pasted exactly what was said and I'll leave it up to everyone's interpretation, but I've made up my mind), I do understand that people are entitled to their opinions and if people chose to talk like that, then other than bringing it to their attention that I find it disrespectful, there is nothing else I can do and I can't expect anyone else to do anything either. It is a public place. These are my own thoughts after reflection, Stacy and I didn't even discuss the whole public blog thing. So I am still going to read the blog (it does have helpful info on it even if it does make me a paranoid mom at times...more on that later.)I am only going to comment when necessary...some battles aren't worth fighting. But I invite everyone else with strong opinions to participate as well. I think all of us as preemie moms have something of value to add to discussions that involve children like ours. Thanks guys!
Anyone who hasn't experienced the NICU as a parent, has no idea what LOVE for a baby is.
There are cruel people out there that are not happy with their lives and choose to bring other people down who are.
Like most of the preemie moms out there I waited 4 weeks to hold my baby and I could only do it for 25 minutes at a time. I waited 9 weeks to hear him cry and pumped 12 weeks to breast feed for the first time.
My 24 week old son was not a fetus - he was a baby born too early and needed help to grow.
He arrived perfect - every feature complete. The only thing left to do, was grow.
He opened his eyes when he heard my voice, went to sleep when I read to him and sated high when I held him.
How could that be seen as someone that shouldn't be resuscitated?
The most amazing, dedicated women I have ever met are preemie moms.
These women pump every 3 hours to nuture their babies, arrive at the hospital every morning for the first feed and stay ALL day to ensure that the doctors are doing their jobs.
Try to stay away from simple people. They only see life one way. You will never change their minds and will only get frustrated trying.
Kiss your babies everyday knowing that there are some pretty amazing men and women in the medical profession that have dedicated their lives to making sure that the survival rate of these babies increases every year.
If they believe they are worth saving why shouldn't everyone else?
Cole's Mom
Stephanie
I agree 100% with everything you've written
I read your comment on TPE's following post and would say that you have nothing to apologise for. Your comments were measured, considerate and well thought out.
The initial commenter may be in the medical field but her comment was not made in that context. She ended up acknowledging that she should have used the term "fetal infants". Kudos to you. Absolutely there is a huge difference between the terms "fetal infant" and "fetus".
Your blog is an incredibly valuable resource to many.
Thank you for taking the time to update it.
Serena and Edwin are doing so well.
Stephanie,
I am in complete agreement with you. Luckily, I haven't had anyone in "real life" be so inconsiderate as to ever refer to H and E as fetuses. Never once. Not one of our neonatologists or NICU nurses ever used that term.
I can't believe that anyone would use it in reference to a baby who has already been born unless they were doing it with negative intent.
I occasionally check in on the PE blog. I enjoy Stacy's writing and sometimes like challenging myself to think about things outside the box. I gave up on reading the comments a long time ago. I get too angry and upset by them. Some people are unable or unwilling to give credence to another person's opinion, so why frustrate myself trying to change their mind???
I just continue to love my kids, and do the best I can by them every day. Every decision I have made related to their care has been made in love. I know that you feel the same in regards to Serena and Edwin, who, by the way, could give my girls a run for the money in the cutest twins ever race!!!:)
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