A break from the cute pictures

I've decided to take a break from the cute pictures and write a little about how I'm feeling right now and what I've been up to the past couple of days...besides being Mommy...feeding, burping, changing poopies, etc etc.

I have become addicted to reading blogs. Not just preemie mom blogs (although they are by far my favorite), but also reading some blogs I'm sure many of the preemie moms are familiar with. Blogs that deal with questions and debates related to prematurity...you know those ever so puzzling viability debates. I have gained a lot of respect for the authors and those who comment. I know this may be hard to hear for some people, and I didn't say I agree with it all, but I do respect them because they are bringing the issues of prematurity to the table.
Prematurity is something that needs to be discussed a whole heck of a lot more. I would like to think of myself as a semi-intelligent person, I graduated cum laude from a pretty darn respectable college and earned an academic scholarship to law school, but I might as well have been educated by bunny rabbits when it came to my knowledge of prematurity. Although I obviously knew what prematurity was, I never thought "it" would happen to me, nor knew anything about the secret world of the NICU and post-NICU life.
Funny story...It was confirmed I was having twins at 7 weeks, suspected twin pregnancy at only 5 weeks. My high-risk OB said to me..."we automatically consider you high-risk because you're having multiples, but in looking at all the other factors, you are the best candidate for a twin pregnancy. You are the least likely to deliver preterm."
Well statistically she was right. I was in my early 20s, healthy, not overweight, nonsmoker, nondrinker, no history of STDs, no health issues whatsoever, they were spontaneous twins...no IVF or fertility drugs, they were fraternal twins, there was a thick membrane separating the two amniotic sacs, etc etc etc. Anyway, I had never given any thought to what I would do if my babies were born early, in fact, I didn't know such decisions even existed. I guess I figured either a baby could be "old" enough to live or he/she couldn't...I didn't think I would have any choice in the matter. But while I lay in a hospital bed praying they could stop my labor, a war was waging concerning the very decision I never knew I even had the right to make.
"Do you want us to resuscitate if your twins are born within the next week or two? You are on what we call the cusp of viability." Do I what? Are you asking if I want you to try and save my twins? YES OF COURSE SAVE THEM PLEASE!!! They are our son and daughter, we love them, please try and save their lives.
Everything about CLD, BPD, ROP, NEC, long term affects went right out the window. Thankfully I was at least informed of them, but I was 3 centimeters dialated, scared and depressed out of my mind, and trying desperately not to move for fear that any movement would aggravate my already contracting uterus. I wasn't focused on the brief glimpse of the secret NICU world these Drs were allowing me to peek into. I didn't really care at that point. I had bonded and wished so much for these little ones, I certainly wasn't going to fully digest what they were saying. Plus, I was on medications to stop my labor, I was 3 centimeters dialated, but that hadn't changed in hours, they caught my preterm labor in time, I was going to be on bedrest for the next 10 weeks...I wasn't delivering any time soon. HA yeah right!
In an instant (2 1/2 days later) my world changed. "She is complete. Call the OR and the NICU stat."
Oh my God! Edwin call my mom!!! Edwin: "Hi Jamie. Um...Stephanie wants you to come here now." (mind you it's 1am) "EDWIN tell her I'm having the babies NOW!!!" So much happened in those few moments, but one thing that didn't was the question of whether or not I wanted them to try and save my tiny son and daughter. I had no idea what I was in for and even the best explanation could never have prepared me.
The NICU is a place I will visit again and again in spite of the pain we experienced there. We'll visit year after year to thank the Drs, nurses, respiratory therapists, and the like for saving our children...and also for being honest. Was it easy to hear "Your son has close a zero percent of survival, if he survives it will be nothing short of a miracle", of course not. But it was real and it was honest, and I appreciated it. We also heard "I think Edwin has a shot. If you're on board I think we should give him a little more time." They helped assure me that Little Edwin would decide...that he would declare himself. We got to discuss and decide what was right for our family with the full support of the NICU. There were limits to what we were willing to do. Through screaming tears and angry punches to walls, Edwin and I discussed what we thought was best for our little Edwin and Serena, of course all with the loving support of our family (especially supportive to me...my mom and dad). The NICU team, Edwin, and our family made me feel it was okay not to 100% blindly keep treating. I believe, and no one will ever convince me otherwise, that Little Edwin chose to stay with us. We were not willing to put him through PDA surgery if it was clear he was not going to survive. His last moments would be spent free of pain, wires, the ventialtor, and beeping monitors. He would be held lovingly in our arms, showered with all the kissed and hugs we could give. So many days, with warm tears dripping down my face, I silently told Little Edwin that I loved him so much and wanted him to stay so badly, but I told him that if he had to go I would listen to him and not keep him here against his will. I know some people against saving 23 weekers will say we did too much, but in my heart I believe we listened to our babies and we did right by them. We watched as one family struggled with these same issues, and could not come to grips with the reality that their precious daughter, twin B, was not going to make it no matter what the NICU team tried to do. What an enormous weight on a parent's shoulders...having to let your child go. The sickening feeling remembering those days will haunt me forever. Thank you Champ and Bean for showing us what was best...I would have accepted things either way...although I can't deny the utter happiness and gratitude I feel that you were able to stay with us.
My heart aches beyond words for the parents who lose their babies. A special feeling of sorrow goes out to those who lose a preemie in the NICU...especially a twin. I came so incredibly close to that reality I just can't hold back the tears when I read about parents who lost so much.
I don't know if there is any real point to this post per say. I guess I just need to get these feelings out. I've been commenting a lot on these other blogs and it rehashes what we've been through as a family over the past 6 months. We almost lost our children, I sometimes forget that haunting reality when I'm enjoying their smiles and beautiful faces. There are people out there who, had Serena and Edwin been theirs, would never have seen them the way they are now. They wouldn't have witnessed the first time they opened their eyes in the NICU, or the first time they took their entire feed PO, or their first bath, or their first real smiles. Maybe missing out on these things would protect them from the unknown future...possible issues related to their early birth. Either way, I think they would have missed out on too much, and I am pretty thankful I'm not.
If for some reason things get tough, and we get some spirit crushing news, I vow to come back to this post and remember how thankful I am for Serena and Edwin. I vow to think about those who have lost their preemies and never got to enjoy the things I'm enjoying right now. I promise to be thankful for life and to honor life in spite of it's many imperfections. I will love Serena and Edwin for who they are, and I will never hate myself for my decisions. I did what I believe was best for you guys and I love you with all of my heart.