Random post at 5am

Hello all. Well it's a little after 5am and I debating whether or not to go to sleep. I know Champ will be awake soon and Beana jsut went to sleep after taking more of her bottle! I guess I am pretty lucky when it comes to feeding these little ones. They are really good eaters, especially considering long periods of intubation. On average Champ takes between 3-4 ounces every 3-4 hours, however will usually have at least one period in the day when he takes a larger volume, say like 5 ounces. Serena is so hard to pin down. Sometimes she'll only take 2 ounces, but has been known to take 7 over an hour span. Her average is about 3-3 1/2 as well, but like her brother will do some bigger volumes. Like now, she started eating at 4:15, I thought she was done, changed her diaper, changed her outfit (too drooly) and she was WIDE awake and eating her fists, something she does when she is hungry. So more bottle for Beana took 4 1/2 since 4:15.
In other news, neither one has repeated their smiles, which kinda bummed me out, but they are so into staring at Edwin and I which makes me happy. It's amazing. Sometimes I get this panic that maybe they can't really see and it's all in our heads (they both had laser surgery for ROP and the opthamologist can't confirm what their vision is until they get a little older...no retinal detachment or anything which is good), but I am pretty sure they can see because they track objects and they look to our voices, which I guess confirms they can hear too even though they haven't done too well at the audiology appointments. ::sigh:: Mom of micropreemie stuff....
In other other news, I went to my brother's 4th birthday party yesterday. No, that wasn't a mistype, I do have a 4 year old brother, and no, I am not a 13 year old mother, I'm 24 thanks. haha. He is my half brother, and he is a doll. Edwin, Sr stayed home with the kiddos and I headed out for 2 hours of swimming, (indoor pool obviously), crafts, cake, presents, and John Dear (the theme of Ethan's Bday). It was fun and the kids were so cute, aren't they all? I couldn't help but think about Serena and Edwin's birthday parties, which of course led to a semi-panic attack because I became scared and paranoid that what if they were teased and kids were mean and no one came to their party? I need to stop obsessing, I think it's hormonal.
Sometimes I wonder if it would be better if I were naive. Edwin Sr is really amazing, especially in his optimism concerning the twins. I often wonder if it is a result of his true faith they will be okay, him trying to make me feel better, or his ignorance about micropreemies, and I say that in a nice way. It's not that he doesn't care or can't read, he just doesn't read and I don't think would fully grasp everything even if he did. First off, English is his second language. He wasn't born in the United States, and even though he quickly transitioned to English speaking classes from bilingual as a teen, Spanish was the language spoken at home, and it wasn't until we started dating that he ever spoke English on a daily basis (his family owns a store mostly catered to Spanish-speaking customers, his boxing coach speaks Spanish to him most times, especially if he is fighting an English speaking fighter, and all of his close friends speak Spanish). Neadless to say, throughout the NICU days and even still, I am really the one who talks to the Drs about the twins, works with the nursing staff agency, O2 company, EI, and the like. I don't mind of course, but in a sense I wonder if Edwin is more at ease and enjoys the twins more than I do because he doesn't read up on micropreemies? Even in the NICU he always swore everything would be fine. When they asked us to start considering taking Champ off support, that he didn't have a shot in hell, Edwin was the one who told me they were wrong. He wasn't completely naive, in fact, this is hard for me to admit now, but we seriously talked about ending support especially since we couldn't get him off the oscillator and his settings were increasing up until the day he hit 28 days and was given dexamethazone. We both agreed we wouldn't get his PDA ligated if he didn't respond to the steroids, our son's last days would not be spent having heart surgery out in Boston. He would be held by our family and be pain-free. But I digress, he did respond and he defined all odds, and he proved Daddy right, which is what he says to me everytime I bark off statistics concerning outcomes. Here is a typical conversation in the Rodriguez home:
::Stephie (as Edwin lovingly refers to me as) is crying about the what ifs::
Edwin: "Stephie, what percent chance of survival did they tell us the twins had when they first came down to the hospital room before they were born?" (side note I was 23 and 2 that day) "I don't know Edwin." "Tell me, what was it?" "Like 50 or 60 percent if I got 48 hours worth of steroid shots before their birth." (side note: our NICU had pretty good stats on 23 weekers even though they brought old stats and only 2 were born that year, we found out later that they usually do better than the national average). "And Stephie, what did they say about Edwin when he was 3 1/2 weeks old?" "That he had 'close to a zero percent chance of survival and it would be nothing short of a miracle if he survived.'" "Exactly. They are strong, and they are fighters like their Daddy and they are going to be fine."
I kinda like that whole way of thinking but it's just not me. I wonder if life would be easier if it was?
I know one thing, I'll continue to research and do what's right for Serena and Edwin, we are so lucky we have received support since day one from developmental specialists, and were involved with EI even before the twins discharge. We can have the twins be seen weekly, biweekly, monthly, whatever we want. Our EI worker was a NICU nurse, has her own triplets, has done a lot fof work with micropreemies, and is super nice. We also have access to OT, PT, Speech therapy and the like as soon as it is needed. I guess we're lucky to have such great resources, especially from reading other blogs.
Anyway, I am way too overtired to be typing and I bet when I reread this tomorrow, I will be like okay Steph, this makes zero sense and is a complete rambling session...but isn't that partly why we all write? Thanks for the therapy session...I'm off to double check on the love bugs and hop into bed for 2 hours!